Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Innocent, Pure & Sweet

I don't know where to start.

The word whirlwind comes to mind.
The word consistency doesnt.

What is it they say? Same shit different day.

Thats my life. Yet for some reason, I am still defending those who hurt me and ignoring the ones who don't. People who say they "put up walls" and "have a guard up".. I used to hate those people. Then I became one.

The wall comes from this

"I love you", "I don't love you anymore", "Fuck you", "Come back to me", "I need you", "You're evil"

Evil? Really.

I call bullshit. And while I'm calling bullshit, I also will call you...a drama queen.

Living life inconsistently is a curse and a blessing, I've decided. It leads me to road trips with the windows down and Taylor Swift blaring and the same day it sends me a text telling me its over.


Funny because it has to be. Crying is a thing of the past.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

couldn't wait to get goin, but wasn't quite ready to leave

After a bajillion harassing facebook comments from my lovely cousins suggesting I update this lovely blog of mine, I realized what a great idea they had. The last 2 weeks have been: shitty, tiring, exciting, fun, overwhelming, unnecessary, necessary, and bizarre. It always turns out that the decisions that are best for you are the ones that cause the most strife. When life happens, it comes as such a surprise. While I'm not one to tell my sad story via blog, facebook status, or any other online outlet, I do think it is necessary to say that my world is upside frickin down right now.

I got my heart broken recently. Sad, yes. Surprising, no. For a year and a half I was in a bubble of love, happiness, and a situation that ultimately set me up for chaos once the bubble popped. Thankfully, I am surrounded by women who are brave enough to tell me how it is, help me man up, and see the bright side. Lets be realistic for a minute. My mom survived Cancer; my problems have nothin on hers. In times like these, I am learning that while my heart is aching, at least its still beating.

Long story short, Courtney is back. I am singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs just like I did my senior year in high school with my best friend. I am planning trips to see my family, my best friend, and spend my time with people who make me laugh. I am going to Carrows at 10 at night with new friends from work to talk about life and laugh til my stomach hurts. I am taking my 3 year old BFF to happy hollow and Mcdonalds for bonding time on my days off. I am 20 years old and I am finally acting like it.

I told my dad today I am never getting married, having a kid someway somehow, and moving on with my life. Good idea in theory...Larry was less than pleased. The good news about this comment I made, was I realized that my idea of the perfect life can easily be altered without giving me a panic attack. If you would have asked me when I was 18 how my life would turn out, I would have said: graduate college by 22, engaged by 23, married by 24, and babies galore by 25. FML. Such a naive little brat I was. This is no longer the plan and no longer has to be. I'm flying by the seat of my pants and I'm loving it. Hey, Oprah's not married and shes ok right?

Expect more blogs, more smiling, more happy times, and certainly more chaos from my part of the world :)


Monday, February 22, 2010

Hi. My name is Motivated Courtney.

Ok whatever, I brought back my Facebook and I'm not making any apologies. I'm 20 and I have an addiction. In fact, I also updated my Twitter, started another blog, and basically got more sucked into the internet than ever before. Moving on..

Today I realized something. Not like most realizations I make such as, "hey i probably shouldn't eat this chocolate donut along with my venti-extra hot-2 shot-caramel macchiato" but more like a life changing realization. I have become motivated in a way that I know will last longer than my New years resolutions. I have set goals for myself that are attainable (my high school leadership teacher would be so proud) and I have learned to enjoy myself while doing things that are more or less unenjoyable (example: reading 200 pages a night of 18th century American literature).

The thing I love most about this new found motivation is the way I stumbled upon it. At 20 years old, I am at a cross roads in my life. I have found that people I interact with everyday are inspiring me to be a better person (corny and true). These people are my role models whether they know it or not. Yes, my mom and dad are always people I look up to, but I'm talking about people like the girls I work with each night at Opa! where the stress level is high, the room is loud, and they all still look gorgeous and have poise. Or my cousin Whitney who I have watched in the past year, turn into a fabulous mother, a devoted wife, and still stay the fun and beautiful girl i've known all my life.

Life is not about promising yourself you'll go to the gym everyday and then kicking yourself because you never went; or swearing you won't eat carbs and then slowly torturing yourself while you watch your family eat pasta while you munch on broccoli. Good things in life come when you least expect it and when you dont try so damn hard. Working at restaurants since I was 14 has taught me that when the going gets tough, you make your smile even bigger, get your voice a little higher, and fake it until the crowd dies down and you are $100 richer. The most stressful situations shouldn't make anyone give up and run for the hills (something I am very good at) but instead make you dig down pretty damn deep and do something amazing.

Of course, I'm only 20 and I still have a lot to learn. Thankfully, I'm inspired by people everyday; inspired to write, learn, grow, and improve which is all I can ask for in my life.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No I didn't fall off a cliff, I just deleted Facebook

It has been an awfully long time since I have carried on with my Carrie Bradshaw, blogging lifestyle. Fortunately, for me at least, my writing endeavors have not ceased completely, they have just not made it to the cyber-world.
I shall start off with this interesting fact: The other day I received a call from my high school friend (names are unnecessary) who informed me that someone had asked her if I died. Last time I checked, I am sitting here, alive and well (knock on wood). My friend happily informed this person, that yes I am alive, and when she asked why one would ask this, the response she got was...
"Because I haven't seen her on Facebook."


So, after deleting my Facebook in an attempt to:
1) Regain connection with people in real life or over the telephone (no, not texting, but actual phone calls) 2)Log on the computer for school related reasons and ACTUALLY finish my paper, research, or anything of the sort without hours of mindless distraction and 3) because Facebook is full of weirdos (aka person who thought I was dead after not finding me on FB) and lets face it, while I do personally know some of these weirdos from my past, they are in my past for a reason and I intend to keep them there, and far...far away from my facebook, I have realized that my schoolwork is actually quite interesting. Let me be honest, my first 2 and a half years of college were full of Sparknotes, all-nighters due to a high rate of procrastination, and minimal effort in order to save myself from being the geeky English major who loses themselves in Shakespeare, Steinbeck, and grammar so far that even your emails begin to sound geeky. However, with my new free time I have realized that I am an English major for a reason...I AM A GEEK! I am loving reading 18th Century American Literature, staying up and analyzing the grammatical structure of Henry James' novel written in 1877, and everything else that defines being an English major. I am a new woman. A book-finishing, sparknote-boycotting, non-procrastinating (sorta) student. I am loving my new life free of Facebook. No longer am I available for the world to track my every move, or for someone to send me countless Farmville requests so I can water their soil and harvest their corn (mom, I am talking to you here). And all the while, I have realized how much a real-life conversation can help rejuvenate your life. Heck, I may even start sending snail mail. love&literature, court

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hakuna Matata

Today, I found myself back in high school and no, this is not as awful as it sounds. After my precious group of fourteen year old tweeny boppers defeated my alma mater Westmont High in our first game, we gathered for a team dinner. Needless to say, I found the 20 year old version of myself having some serious high school fun. For two hours, I played ping pong, witnessed back hand springs gone awry, listened to songs by the Jonas Brothers, and wondered where the time has gone. Alas, I can't really say I don't know where the time has gone because I do in fact know exactly what I have done with my three years out of high school.
I have lost friends I would have been at my own team dinner with three years ago. I have gained a boyfriend that laughs at my horrendous jokes, sits by my side through Gossip Girl marathons, and loves me unconditionally. I have watched my mom survive Cancer. I have lived three years outside of the bubble I perfectly molded for myself for four years. Looking at my team, I could not help but suppress a twinge of envy for their carefree ways. After all, the biggest crisis of the night seemed to be what to dress up as for the next home game and whose football jersey one would love to wear. My girls laugh when I tell them this but the truth is, the three years I have spent venturing out of my bubble have been guided by them. There is no where else in the world one can go when a loved one is diagnosed with the ugliest of diseases, and spend the afternoon laughing as if Cancer was never even invented. Thankfully for me, I have that escape. Each and every day I get to spend my afternoon doing what I love and go home to a boy and family who are proud of me.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw

Oh, the world of blogging. While I have secretly longed for a studio apartment with a window overlooking Manhattan and my Mac Book eagerly awaiting my words just like Carrie Bradshaw, I have never brought myself to become a blogger. Well, here we are friends, writing my first blog (although not in my beautifully fantasized Carrie Bradshaw-esque apartment). As a Creative Writing major, I find myself at all times of the day consumed with words, thoughts, and inspirations knocking on my brain to let them out. Song lyrics especially are ringing in my brain screaming, "write about me!" Shush. Ironically, this creative writing major would much rather spend time coaching my adorable little field hockey team, working at my incredibly loud Greek restaurant, or catching up on my DVR, instead of writing down my waterfall of thoughts. My grandpa always told me when I was younger, to write things down the minute you think of them. Thoughts are precious. One afternoon in the 1989 Mercury Tracer back when I was in third grade, my grandpa pulled over on the side of the road after seeing an amazing looking cloud in the sky above us, and commanded me to write what I felt, saw, and thought about it. Third graders don't know much about poetic language but what I did know was that I felt the same inspiration my grandfather did at that moment. So I followed suit and wrote my first ever poem, "The Mysterious Cloud," which, to this day, is in a chest in my room as a reminder that thoughts are precious. So, for those of you interested enough to read this blog and encourage me to begin posting my poetry, short stories, and hopefully the beginning to a novel I plan to write, thank you... I have no one to please but you.