Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Innocent, Pure & Sweet

I don't know where to start.

The word whirlwind comes to mind.
The word consistency doesnt.

What is it they say? Same shit different day.

Thats my life. Yet for some reason, I am still defending those who hurt me and ignoring the ones who don't. People who say they "put up walls" and "have a guard up".. I used to hate those people. Then I became one.

The wall comes from this

"I love you", "I don't love you anymore", "Fuck you", "Come back to me", "I need you", "You're evil"

Evil? Really.

I call bullshit. And while I'm calling bullshit, I also will call you...a drama queen.

Living life inconsistently is a curse and a blessing, I've decided. It leads me to road trips with the windows down and Taylor Swift blaring and the same day it sends me a text telling me its over.


Funny because it has to be. Crying is a thing of the past.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

couldn't wait to get goin, but wasn't quite ready to leave

After a bajillion harassing facebook comments from my lovely cousins suggesting I update this lovely blog of mine, I realized what a great idea they had. The last 2 weeks have been: shitty, tiring, exciting, fun, overwhelming, unnecessary, necessary, and bizarre. It always turns out that the decisions that are best for you are the ones that cause the most strife. When life happens, it comes as such a surprise. While I'm not one to tell my sad story via blog, facebook status, or any other online outlet, I do think it is necessary to say that my world is upside frickin down right now.

I got my heart broken recently. Sad, yes. Surprising, no. For a year and a half I was in a bubble of love, happiness, and a situation that ultimately set me up for chaos once the bubble popped. Thankfully, I am surrounded by women who are brave enough to tell me how it is, help me man up, and see the bright side. Lets be realistic for a minute. My mom survived Cancer; my problems have nothin on hers. In times like these, I am learning that while my heart is aching, at least its still beating.

Long story short, Courtney is back. I am singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs just like I did my senior year in high school with my best friend. I am planning trips to see my family, my best friend, and spend my time with people who make me laugh. I am going to Carrows at 10 at night with new friends from work to talk about life and laugh til my stomach hurts. I am taking my 3 year old BFF to happy hollow and Mcdonalds for bonding time on my days off. I am 20 years old and I am finally acting like it.

I told my dad today I am never getting married, having a kid someway somehow, and moving on with my life. Good idea in theory...Larry was less than pleased. The good news about this comment I made, was I realized that my idea of the perfect life can easily be altered without giving me a panic attack. If you would have asked me when I was 18 how my life would turn out, I would have said: graduate college by 22, engaged by 23, married by 24, and babies galore by 25. FML. Such a naive little brat I was. This is no longer the plan and no longer has to be. I'm flying by the seat of my pants and I'm loving it. Hey, Oprah's not married and shes ok right?

Expect more blogs, more smiling, more happy times, and certainly more chaos from my part of the world :)


Monday, February 22, 2010

Hi. My name is Motivated Courtney.

Ok whatever, I brought back my Facebook and I'm not making any apologies. I'm 20 and I have an addiction. In fact, I also updated my Twitter, started another blog, and basically got more sucked into the internet than ever before. Moving on..

Today I realized something. Not like most realizations I make such as, "hey i probably shouldn't eat this chocolate donut along with my venti-extra hot-2 shot-caramel macchiato" but more like a life changing realization. I have become motivated in a way that I know will last longer than my New years resolutions. I have set goals for myself that are attainable (my high school leadership teacher would be so proud) and I have learned to enjoy myself while doing things that are more or less unenjoyable (example: reading 200 pages a night of 18th century American literature).

The thing I love most about this new found motivation is the way I stumbled upon it. At 20 years old, I am at a cross roads in my life. I have found that people I interact with everyday are inspiring me to be a better person (corny and true). These people are my role models whether they know it or not. Yes, my mom and dad are always people I look up to, but I'm talking about people like the girls I work with each night at Opa! where the stress level is high, the room is loud, and they all still look gorgeous and have poise. Or my cousin Whitney who I have watched in the past year, turn into a fabulous mother, a devoted wife, and still stay the fun and beautiful girl i've known all my life.

Life is not about promising yourself you'll go to the gym everyday and then kicking yourself because you never went; or swearing you won't eat carbs and then slowly torturing yourself while you watch your family eat pasta while you munch on broccoli. Good things in life come when you least expect it and when you dont try so damn hard. Working at restaurants since I was 14 has taught me that when the going gets tough, you make your smile even bigger, get your voice a little higher, and fake it until the crowd dies down and you are $100 richer. The most stressful situations shouldn't make anyone give up and run for the hills (something I am very good at) but instead make you dig down pretty damn deep and do something amazing.

Of course, I'm only 20 and I still have a lot to learn. Thankfully, I'm inspired by people everyday; inspired to write, learn, grow, and improve which is all I can ask for in my life.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No I didn't fall off a cliff, I just deleted Facebook

It has been an awfully long time since I have carried on with my Carrie Bradshaw, blogging lifestyle. Fortunately, for me at least, my writing endeavors have not ceased completely, they have just not made it to the cyber-world.
I shall start off with this interesting fact: The other day I received a call from my high school friend (names are unnecessary) who informed me that someone had asked her if I died. Last time I checked, I am sitting here, alive and well (knock on wood). My friend happily informed this person, that yes I am alive, and when she asked why one would ask this, the response she got was...
"Because I haven't seen her on Facebook."


So, after deleting my Facebook in an attempt to:
1) Regain connection with people in real life or over the telephone (no, not texting, but actual phone calls) 2)Log on the computer for school related reasons and ACTUALLY finish my paper, research, or anything of the sort without hours of mindless distraction and 3) because Facebook is full of weirdos (aka person who thought I was dead after not finding me on FB) and lets face it, while I do personally know some of these weirdos from my past, they are in my past for a reason and I intend to keep them there, and far...far away from my facebook, I have realized that my schoolwork is actually quite interesting. Let me be honest, my first 2 and a half years of college were full of Sparknotes, all-nighters due to a high rate of procrastination, and minimal effort in order to save myself from being the geeky English major who loses themselves in Shakespeare, Steinbeck, and grammar so far that even your emails begin to sound geeky. However, with my new free time I have realized that I am an English major for a reason...I AM A GEEK! I am loving reading 18th Century American Literature, staying up and analyzing the grammatical structure of Henry James' novel written in 1877, and everything else that defines being an English major. I am a new woman. A book-finishing, sparknote-boycotting, non-procrastinating (sorta) student. I am loving my new life free of Facebook. No longer am I available for the world to track my every move, or for someone to send me countless Farmville requests so I can water their soil and harvest their corn (mom, I am talking to you here). And all the while, I have realized how much a real-life conversation can help rejuvenate your life. Heck, I may even start sending snail mail. love&literature, court